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Tom Stern

February 13, 2008

Work/Life: Text Messaging--No Country For Old Men

It isn’t anything new for kids to subvert whatever new technology is out there, and here they are doing it again. According to a recent report, a whole new language is springing up around “predictive text.” This is the function on cell phones which assigns the most probable word you might be trying to text from a single keypad entry. And now, whatever word shows up as the most probable, whether it was the one they wanted or not, is becoming an in-joke way to communicate among kids.

For example, as the linked article states, when something is “cool” now, it is “book,” since “book” is the word that comes up when you try to enter “cool” into predictive text. Similarly, “barmaid” reads as “carnage” and “mom” becomes “nun.” I realized it was kind of like running Spell Check and getting those weird suggestions for substitutions. And then I realized this could lead to some revolutionary inter-office memos that could definitely lighten things up and maybe even inject a little work/life humor balance into a busy day.

With that in mind, I typed out a fake memo with every other word or so intentionally misspelled so that I could then replace it with one of the words Spell Check came up with. This was the actual result:

Dear Heavenly Ones,

It has clump to my attentions that coverall employees are hooking the keys to the monks and women’s bathrooms and not rectifying them. Please take a memento to look abut you before you love the felicity and make sore you doesn’t left the key beyond or have leafed it in your picket and forget tin all about it. Also, third quainter profiteroles are down and we nerd to adders this at the Moonfish mourning meeting, pimply at 9 a.m.

Think you,

Tom

Weirdly enough, my daughter understood this completely. I say the sooner we introduce unedited predictive text-messaging into the business world, the less seriously we will take ourselves. If the above experimental memo is any indication, built-in word-analyzing software has the potential to really shake up the workplace. Why not try one of your own?

Posted by Tom Stern at 7:06 AM | Add Comment

February 5, 2008

Work/Life: My Super Tuesday Campaign Promises

CEO Dad’s Tuesday Tirade….

My daughter’s elementary school is holding a mock primary today. I guess it’s important to introduce children to the importance of choosing the most qualified candidate who was capable of raising half a billion dollars in campaign funds. As she left this morning, she very sweetly told both my wife and myself, “If you guys were running, I would totally vote for you.”

Once I got over my gush of sentimentality (and the reflexive competitiveness that reared its head when I thought about the adrenaline rush of hypothetically competing in a primary with my own wife), I realized that no one out there is campaigning on a work/life ticket. So, allow me to be the first.

If elected, I pledge the following:

--To impose a 12% work/life tax on anybody who stays in the office past 7:01 p.m.

--Conversely, a generous tax refund shall be given to any person who can show proof of having spent 24 hours doing absolutely nothing.

--To work to eradicate, and possibly make criminal, the use of Bluetooth devices in public places.

--All in-car DVD players will be dismantled and replaced with a screen that reads, “let’s talk.”

--Whatever date on which “Celebrity Apprentice” is finally cancelled shall be declared a national holiday.

--The word “money” shall be replaced with the word “mange.” (After saying phrases such as “can I borrow some mange?” and “I only work to get more mange,” priorities will shift by osmosis.)

--Finally, I pledge to stem the tide of rampant and unprecedented growth in the Starbucks sector. Ready access to exotic caffeine-laden beverages is destroying our every attempt to remain non-wired.

--Oh, and I promise to do something about Blackberries. Not sure what yet, but my people will get on it.

I’m Tom Stern, and I approved this message. What would your campaign promises be?

Posted by Tom Stern at 7:22 AM | Add Comment

February 1, 2008

Work/Life: All Play and No Work...I Can Dream, Can't I?

Let the other bloggers concern themselves with the latest narrowing of the field in the presidential election; let a different set of online pundits make their Super Bowl predictions…I am moved to discuss a rather inspiring story I found online, only a click or two away from the headlines. Apparently there is a new trend in Europe in which outdoor playgrounds for the elderly are being built side-by-side with playgrounds for pre-schoolers.

The “Older People’s Play Area,” as the one at a park in Britain is called, was inspired by a similar facility in Germany, and the equipment is designed to keep the aging body toned up. I just love that image, of senior citizens, in the later years of life, romping around on play structures, right next to the representatives of the beginning years; one group is exploring their inner child, the other group indulging their outer one. It’s a great reminder of the importance of mindless play in keeping balanced at any age.

And it begs the question: so where’s the playground for the in-betweens? Those of us who are no longer children, but not yet retired or in our golden years? We’ve been relegated to the gym, but that’s just another scheduled block of work time, really (that’s why they call it a “work” out). Plus, everyone’s so serious at the gym; we grimly stare ahead as we run on the treadmill or ride the exercise bike with our Ipod headphones stuck in our ears. Even the more energetic spin or aerobics classes are overwrought in their energetic vibe: feeling the burn is yet another accomplishment in our achievement-oriented lives.

So get me to the playground, please. I want to come out of a department-wide meeting and go running for the swing set and the slide. After all, it’s hard to take dismal first-quarter projections too seriously when you’re diving into a sandbox and look like a total dork. Having trouble communicating with a difficult co-worker? How about a monkey bars challenge?

Let’s complete the triad begun by these new parks with a kids’ playground and a senior citizens’ playground on either side. Put the 28-64 demographic right in the middle. And someday people will be able to drive by and see a whole bunch of goofballs from every age group making complete idiots of themselves, all at the same time. Just try and stay unbalanced after a few weeks of that!

Posted by Tom Stern at 8:19 AM | Add Comment

January 29, 2008

Work/Life: Bill and Hillary, Sittin' in a Tree

CEO Dad’s Tuesday Tirade….

I talked to a fellow at a party this past weekend that was disproportionately indignant about the way Bill Clinton is out there stumping for his wife. I say “disproportionately” because there are a lot of things wrong with the world worth getting angry about (like when you pull up too far away from the drive-thru window, that’s pretty infuriating, for one), and it makes me wonder why the idea of a man wanting his wife to succeed is so irritating to so many people. Sure, Bill’s anti-Obama comments were misplaced, but nothing along the lines of some of the ignorant things that came out of people’s mouths about Heath Ledger’s passing. And try as we might to hang our theories about Bill’s motivations out there (he’s trying to make up for his past, he can’t stay out of the spotlight, he wants to be able to sleep with another president), it’s futile to try and get inside someone else’s head. Start down that slippery slope, and you’ll go crazy trying to figure out what motivates people to appear on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?

So, stripping away any personal feelings one may have about Bill and/or Hillary, is it really that upsetting that a person should get behind the ambitions of their spouse? All the male candidates trot out their devoted wives for photo ops along the campaign trail, and willing or unwilling, those spouses are clearly doing everything they can to make sure their hubbies give them a shot at one day eating a short stack off of a piece of White House china. Perhaps Bill’s championing can be seen as an abuse of his elevated stature, but there isn’t very much he can do about that. He believes in his wife, and he’s backing her run for President, just like we assume he would even if he had never progressed beyond the rank of alderman. And I know a few people who would say that he never really did. But, like I say, there are other things worth getting angry about (such as when that hourglass icon just sits there forever on your computer screen), and channeling everything that’s wrong in one’s life into the Clintons is getting old.

If my wife was running for office, I’d be out there with her. How could I not want to demonstrate how proud I would be of her? And something tells me I probably wouldn’t get through her campaign without calling one or other of her opponents some variant of “cheese head” just to spice things up. Of course, if she were to start a campaign, we would need to raise at least a million dollars. With that in mind, if both of the people reading this blog would only give 500 thousand each, we’d get there in no time. No matter what, when it comes to politics and politicians, always remember that it isn’t worth the stress to get angry about it all. Save your rage for some real injustice. (Like the fact that Amy Winehouse is up for so many Grammys.)

Posted by Tom Stern at 8:22 AM | Add Comment

January 25, 2008

Work/Life: How Many Grams of Fat Are In That Attitude?

Here’s one that slipped under the radar while the Republicans were bashing Hillary and Hillary was bashing Obama and Obama was bashing Hillary and Amy Winehouse was bashing herself.

Starting March 31, New York City fast-food chains (“chain” defined as an establishment that maintains fifteen or more outlets) will be required to post the fat content of their food on their menu boards. If I were Mickey D’s, I would be vanilla shaking in my boots.

But it does bring to mind that lots of things should carry posted information about how many grams of certain qualities they contain. Here a few tags I would enjoy seeing out there in the world:

CO-WORKER
Toxicity 1500 mg
Uncooperativeness 750mg
Incompetence 300g

RETAIL EMPLOYEE
Disaffectedness 2500mg
Unhelpfulness 130g
Sense of Entitlement 400mg

CONSULTANT
Authoritative 4300g
Paranoia-Inducing 120g
Billable Hours 45000873200008654g

SPOUSE
Thought Enough of You to Marry You 400mg
Calls You On Your Crap 1500mg
Thinks You Should Know What’s Wrong Without Having to Ask 300mg
Unconditional Love In Spite of How You Are 5200g

CHILD
Obstinacy 3000mg
Whining 375g
Manic Energy 1200mg
Worth It 5200g

Oh, and there is one more thing happening this weekend that should carry its own warning label: the new Rambo movie. Anyway, feel free to contribute other informational labels that should accompany real life.

Posted by Tom Stern at 9:17 AM | 1 Comment

January 22, 2008

Work/Life: Some Legitimate Expenses I'd Like To Claim

CEO Dad's Tuesday Tirade....

In Croatia, Damir Matkovic, a popular TV journalist known for a dashing smile much-appreciated by his viewers, persuaded his employers to shell out 26 grand on oral surgery to prevent the spread of his periodontitis. They went for it, succumbing to the logic that if the guy’s teeth started falling out, they would lose a substantial audience who had come to grow rather fond of their favorite reporter’s pearly whites.

Of course, my mind went spinning out into all the arguments I could make for a host of legitimate expenses I would like to claim. Coffee, for one, as no productive activities can even hope to happen without it. My tennis club fee should also be paid by my employers, since all the aggression I get to take out on the court prevents me from randomly whacking them on the head with my racket during business meetings. In fact, now that I work from home, I think my clients should shell out for a percentage of my mortgage. (Indulge me on that one; I’m still trying to figure out how to make that work.)

All of this leads to another subject, which is: let’s get going on some financial incentives for work/life harmony. Here are just a few expenses that I believe businesses should start paying on behalf of the employees who sacrifice so much of their emotional lives to help them turn a profit every quarter:

1) NETFLIX – The small monthly fee it would cost your company to give you this service would provide a year-long opportunity to relax and watch a movie with your significant other one or two nights a week. The benefits are three-fold: your better-adjusted relationship will create a more congenial work environment the next day; inter-employee camaraderie with increase as water-cooler discussions about movies will become commonplace, and you can rent Rob Schneider movies anonymously through the mail without having to face the derisive glares of the video store clerk.

2) $100 PER WALK – Everyone knows walking is great exercise and increases mental capacity. So, for every day you agree not to come back from lunch drowsy after consuming fat and salt at a restaurant, or not to sit congealing in the break room, the company kicks in a hundred bucks to your cause. In return, you come back from your walk to the workplace energized, and ready to generate new ideas. Of course, you will also probably have indigestion, since you will likely have to scarf some pre-prepared food from your Tupperware before hiking for an hour, but a cool hundred is worth you delivering increased productivity along with a little acid reflux.

3) THE TELLING OFF THE CLIENT ALLOWANCE – No financial reward here, but perhaps one that is far more priceless in terms of managing stress and instilling good faith between you and those who hired you. Simply put, you are allowed two opportunities per month to tell an irritating client where they can stick it, and both times with your company’s blessing. Never has slamming down the phone been so satisfying…or so fully-sanctioned. The only downside is people will soon be pressing to do this far more than two times a month. Be prepared to vary your company policy.

I’m sure everyone has some helpful activities they would like to see underwritten. Fire away.

Posted by Tom Stern at 7:34 AM | 1 Comment

January 18, 2008

Work/Life: Mountains and Stocks and Dogs, Oh My!

The weekend is on its way, and as always I should be life-ing as opposed to working, but when the stock market takes as big a hit as it did yesterday it just gets my mind going. I do have plans with my wife and daughters on Saturday, so maybe, just maybe, I won’t give into the “my parents grew up during the depression” madness that still plagues me today. It’s like that scene in “Annie Hall,” where Alvy Singer is eight years old and obsessed with the idea that the universe is expanding. Despite reassurances from the adult world, he knows something bad is coming. The fact that it’s light years away is not important—what’s important is utilizing one’s God-given right to worry about things one can’t control. And, as any good workaholic knows, it’s just not right that there should even BE things beyond our control.

To take my mind off the impending recession, I reflected on the recent passing of Sir Edmund Hillary, he of the getting-to-the-top of Everest first game. By all accounts the guy was reserved and even withdrawn. According to the occasionally fact-checked Wikipedia, he had to rely on his future mother-in-law to do the proposing when he wanted to marry his first wife (whom he lost to an accident). And, the guy kept his phone number in the listings for his entire life, apparently enjoying chewing the fat about his adventures with those who were actually brave enough to call. Can it be? The man who provided a symbol for getting there at all costs was a homebody who was never happier than when he was having tea and watching Jeopardy? Of course, his son went onto to become a climber (we leave that word and its double-meaning hanging there), conquering (ditto) Everest in 1990. So maybe there’s a little bit of dysfunctional overachieving going on there. After all, if you can’t count a famous mountain climber for your work/life metaphors, whom can you count on for them?

Finally, the news from Budapest is about some computer software being developed that will interpret the needs of dogs based on reading their barks and other noises. I don’t know about you, but I’m fairly clear on what my dog is communicating, as it usually involves food, a walk or the urge to either destroy or mate with another canine.

So, let’s get going on this same software for humans! Think of how much easier life would be if a little LED screen could tell you that the grunt your boss made means he’s lost all faith in you, or let your spouse know that when you say “hmm,” you’re really saying “I wasn’t really listening, but do go on.” And boy would it come in handy during presentations. When the guy giving the Power Point clears his throat, and your hand-held sensor device reads “b.s.’ing his way through this,” you will have an edge over everyone else in the room. Well, at least those who don’t already know the guy giving the Power Point is full of it.

There you have it. A potpourri of topics to heat up your next cocktail party. Which I hope is soon, because, really, you need to relax.

Posted by Tom Stern at 8:12 AM | Add Comment

January 15, 2008

Work/Life: There's Always Room For More Football Metaphors

CEO Dad’s Tuesday Tirade…

The NFL playoffs are in full swing, and there’s nothing like watching a bunch of very large men get into altercations over some pigskin to inspire new ideas. So, this morning at breakfast I unveiled to my family a new spirit of cooperation: I gave a Power Point presentation on how we could benefit from treating our work/life balance like a football game.

For a start, the home will be referred to as “the gridiron.” This will establish that, as a family, we need to get out there and fight if we’re going to achieve success.

Flags: each member of the family is allowed to throw down yellow penalty flags whenever another member exhibits behavior that offends their sensibilities. These are personal fouls, and are punishable by a 15-yard “get out of my face” penalty. They include:

1. Clipping: When a family member is so eager to reprimand another for a work/life violation that they do not let them finish their sentence.

2. Holding: Preventing someone from getting to an appointment by hiding the car keys.

3. Offside: A “line of scrimmage” will be set up between the pantry and the garage, and it cannot be crossed until I come up with a good enough reason why I’m getting into the car and leaving. (“Because I want to play with my GPS,” for example, is not a valid notion.)

A “turnover” will be said to have occurred when a family member successfully busts their work-addicted loved one on his utterly spurious logic for ruining their quality of life. Not to be confused with a “sack,” in which it’s all over before you can even get a word in edgewise.

“Out of bounds” shall be declared whenever anyone steps over the imaginary boundary separating constructive criticism from comments like “reality T.V. just called—they want their stupid back.”

And finally, a “Touchdown” happens when quality time together is achieved through running a long distance, knocking down many tempting obstacles (phone conference, out-of-town business meeting, the Internet) and crossing into the “end zone” of familial love and respect. Hopefully, this will become a frequent enough occurrence that the urge to do a finger-pointing dance whenever you manage to get it right will eventually fade away.

Feel free to weigh in on other football terms that could enter the work/life stadium!

Posted by Tom Stern at 8:02 AM | 1 Comment

January 11, 2008

Work/Life: Now Look What They're Teaching Our Kids!

Ever since the Beatles, we have had to play second fiddle to Britain when it comes to setting cultural trends. (After all, “American Idol” was their idea, too.) And now, those forward-thinking Brits have done it again, as a public school for early adolescents in Brighton, England has put an etiquette and manners class on its lesson plan. Not only will kids be instructed in how to defer to the elderly on buses and trains, but they will also be advised on practical skills like putting up a tent, sewing, cooking, formal letter-writing and monitoring heart rates. Oh, and of course how to waltz and tie a bow tie. This is Britain, and you never know when Lady Agnes Mannering Smith-Smythe-Smith might turn up for an afternoon of clotted cream, scones and early Baroque music.

Of course, I applaud this decision to give kids grounding in manners and basic skills, but the question arises: why does a school have to teach it? And that question is not confined simply to England. Goodness knows, when I read this story the first thing I thought was “you mean someone might one day actually TEACH my daughter not to mouth off? As part of the curriculum?” But, before I got too caught up in my vision of a Shangri-La, where the children know how to take care of themselves and even, Lord help us, treat adults with respect, I had to admit that it’s my own crazy life that keeps me from taking the time to impart wisdom on these subjects. The fact that Britain is now teaching such basic things in a classroom environment only demonstrates that we grown ups have completely succumbed to the rat race. To such an extent that we’ve left our offspring in the maze, sniffing around for crumbs of cheese-like wisdom.

Okay, maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Most of us did not grow up in a Pepperidge Farm commercial where a white-haired old man with a Maine accent passes on the art of baking butter-topped bread to us while we sit rapt in the golden glow of the midday light filtering through the barn slats. And, to be honest, I’m not sure that even if I had the time I would show a kid how to put up a tent or waltz a minuet. But maybe we should take a look at what messages the little one’s AREN’T getting if they need an education professional to tell them that the elderly deserve a seat on the bus.

There was one thing on that list that I might take some time off work to teach my daughter. That bit about monitoring heart rates. If she could learn how to do that, she could really gain practical knowledge in what happens to Daddy when she stomps her feet and refuses to do her homework.

Posted by Tom Stern at 8:39 AM | Add Comment

January 8, 2008

Work/Life: Why I've Decided to Run For President

CEO DAD’S TUESDAY TIRADE….

For many years, I have stayed out of the political arena. While anyone in modern American business has had to encounter the politics of the workplace, which undoubtedly mirror the frustrating set of compromises and half-measures facing the Beltway, I, like most of us, have decided I wanted nothing more to do with the political process as a professional.

Until now.

With primary season upon us, I have been watching the candidates as they debate, press the flesh, maintain Web sites as portals for support and make countless appearances on Sunday morning television. And here is what I have noticed about Edwards, Romney, Huckabee, Clinton, Obama, McCain and all the rest of them: they are clocking in 23-hour days, putting an incredible strain on their personal, married and family lives, forced into an impossible whirlwind of activity that prevents them from devoting much of their attention to their loved ones, or anything, in fact, other than their singular, my-way-or-the-highway, win-at-all-costs vision…and nobody cares! In fact, not only do the candidates and their families appear happily on board for the tempest of campaigning, putting up with the pressure on their interpersonal relationships in the hopes of achieving something great, the general public seems to take it as a given, too. The whole enterprise is about the most out-of-work/life balance fiasco there is, but from family and supporters alike, it gets a giant pass as anything detrimental. And I’ll tell you something: I wanna get me some of that!

All these years I’ve been working on myself, getting better at communicating with my wife, making quality time for the kids, making sure I realized the value of the things in life that truly count outside my busy work schedule, and here was the two-year free ride of unapologetic nose-to-the-grindstone activity that I could pretty much be THANKED for undertaking! So, I have decided to run for president. Granted, there’s only a year left now, but I’ll take what I can get. I’ve already hired the photographer to take a picture of me with my incredibly supportive family standing behind me, all of them in complete agreement that if I am going to manage such a gargantuan undertaking, they will not hold me accountable if I get too busy to remember a birthday, PTA meeting, anniversary or play date, secure in the knowledge that the road to the White House is one fraught with demands on my time.

I’ll tell you, it’s great to feel less guilty. Now, all I need is a platform. Oh, heck, who needs to campaign on issues anymore? All I really need is a slogan. I’m thinking of “Tom Stern-Working Hard And Loving It.” (Other campaign slogan suggestions cheerfully accepted.)

Posted by Tom Stern at 9:06 AM | 2 Comments

January 4, 2008

Work/Life: Business Buzz Words We Can Safely Get Rid Of

Well, my peeps, you gotta give me my props. Proving once again that the blogosphere is, in general, ahead of the curve when it comes to trends, it turns out that yours truly spotted something back in August that has just been pointed out by no less an authority than one of them there high falutin’ colleges. In its annual list of overused or just plain dumb words and phrases that should be excised from our dialogue, Michigan’s Lake Superior University cited the ineffective cross-pollination term “Webinar” as among that those that should be put to rest. Here’s what I had to say about that very word back on August 17th:

…“Webinars,” the newest thing in teleconferencing. There’s something not quite right about this new hybrid term, as if “web” and “seminar” had a one-night stand and decided not to pursue anything the next morning. One can see the intention behind the term, but perhaps this one would have been better left in separate beds.”

“Surge,” “back in the day,” and “sweet,” (that ubiquitous term for “good” used by the young folks) are among some of the other tired terminologies that the university thinks should retire themselves. Well, we in the business world know dozens of turns of phrase that may as well hang it up, and here are a few that should be facing extinction:

BEEN-THERE-DONE-THAT. Yes, we have.

THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX. Say it one more time and you will end up in a box made of pine, my friend.

WIN-WIN SITUATION. Currently only used by people who have run out of anything original to say. Or, as we call them, Loser-Losers.

ON THE SAME PAGE. Never mind that it’s a cliché. From now on it should only be used to describe unsavory situations involving Congressmen.

GOAL-ORIENTED. Sure, I guess it’s better than being stupid-oriented.

CORE COMPETENCIES. “Things you’re good at.” Okay? Can we just go back to plain English here?

ANALYSIS PARALYSIS. When I think about how badly I would like to get rid of this term, I freeze up and cannot come to any useful conclusions.

MISSION CRITICAL. Oh, please, what isn’t? Getting the bathroom key is mission critical.

PLAYING HARDBALL. Oooh, look out, they’re playing hardball…they’re so big and scary…and this only reminds me of another phrase that should bite the dust: “Bring It On!”

DOG AND PONY SHOW. Way to devalue that Power Point presentation you worked all week on to generate new business, ya moron. Like the client needs any more reasons to think we’re bush league.

That’s a small sampling. I’m sure all of you out there can think of a few more terms that deserve the axe. Have at it!

Posted by Tom Stern at 8:17 AM | 8 Comments

January 2, 2008

Work/Life: A New Year, A New You! The Work/Life Fitness Center

Great news! I am authorized to extend to you a special introductory offer for a 30-day trial membership at Stern’s Total Fitness…the hottest new health club in town! Make good on your New Year’s resolutions by coming to the first gym that puts you through your work/life paces—these exercise regimens will have you feeling the burn in no time. Make ’08 the best year of your life by getting your butt into one of our exclusive workout regimens. Like:

SPIN CLASS – While you engage in exciting aerobic exercise, the instructor in this grueling tutorial provides a thumping soundtrack of can’t fail excuses for your inattentive behavior with your loved ones. Before you know it, you’ll have enough “spin” to hold even the most frustrated family members at bay. “The meeting went long,” “I’ll have more free time once the merger goes through” and “But I do all this for you!” are just some of the disco-beat public relations gambits that will work your quads, abs, thighs, buttocks and b.s.

THE GLARE MASTER – As you run in place on a treadmill (the perfect metaphor for your overworked, rat-race existence, after all), a computer screen in front of you depicts your spouse or significant other’s face glaring at you, looking more and more disgruntled the faster you run. Only when you slow down does the face soften, and when you stop altogether, it breaks into a smile. (You supply a jpeg image of your loved one, we do the rest.) Not very good exercise, but a frighteningly effective way to teach you how to rearrange your priorities.

THE SECRETARY SAUNA CHALLENGE – If you haven’t gotten the message yet that sometimes you need to relax, you will when your personal secretary barges into your sauna every two minutes to ask you if you need anything. Even you, you work-obsessed lunatic, will slowly understand that this is one intrusion you don’t need. We say slowly, because the first few times it’s really hard not to ask them to take care of something for you. Trust me, I’ve been there. Sometimes, it’s only the icy stares of ten other guys wearing nothing but a towel across their upper thighs that gets you to understand you’re doing something wrong.

FAMILY BENCH PRESS – Multi-tasking that actually does some good! You bench press members of your family while other members of your family spot you. A great way to get some much-needed physical contact with the people most important to you while toning your upper body. You’ll never take your child for granted again, as you live with the daily truth that he or she is responsible for your newfound muscle mass.

So don’t delay! Sign up for your introductory offer at Stern’s Total Fitness today! You have nothing to lose but your dignity! (And a non-refundable deposit.) If you have ideas for other work/life workouts, feel free to drop them in the comment box!

Posted by Tom Stern at 7:26 AM | Add Comment

December 28, 2007

Work/Life: The Top Ten Work/Life Balance Movies of 2007

Hey, look, we all have to talk about business every day of the year, but who among us has been able to resist being an armchair critic at our various holiday gatherings? Well, it’s my blog and I can do what I want, so for today I’m the snooty film reviewer we all wish we could get paid to be. Here are my picks for the Top Ten Work/Life Balance films of the year. Whether they present good or bad examples in this category, they merit a special mention, and I’m sure the filmmakers concerned will forgive the tongue planted firmly in the cheek. Eat your heart out, Ebert!

1. RATATOUILLE – It’s a bit sad that the only way we can absorb the message that pursuing something you truly love to do can make you happy (and more inherently balanced) is through an animated rat, but I’ll take my uplifting wish-I-had-become-a-chef-instead-of-a-corporate-recruiter fantasies wherever I can get them. All in all, a great movie about doing what you do with passion.

2. SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET – Another fine example of someone doing what they love, albeit with decidedly different results. If anyone out there is thinking of taking up Sweeney Todd’s occupation, at least sacrifice those guilty of malfeasance first.

3. THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM - Jason Bourne gets to kick butt, drive fast and narrowly escape death every day. As far as I’m concerned, these are all healthy outlets for aggression and negativity, and will probably make Jason much calmer and emotionally available in his home life.

4. MICHAEL CLAYTON – This movie features a disillusioned, overworked corporate attorney having a meltdown and stripping naked during a deposition. I recommend it as aversion therapy for anyone putting in more than 40 hours a week.

5. I AM LEGEND – Again, a cautionary tale. The last man on earth, and just when he’s getting used to some quality down time, suddenly it’s all about macho competition and one-upmanship. Makes you sick.

6. EVAN ALMIGHTY – Not a great movie, but it does provide a great idea for any of us looking to bust out of the grind. I would think that calling in sick would very quickly come in second to calling in charged by God with a sacred duty. Might be worth a try.

7. TRANSFORMERS – After two hours of this noise-fest in Dolby Digital surround sound, you come out of the theatre going “work/life what? What the hell just happened to me?” It’s a short-lived respite from your everyday struggle, but having it beaten out of you is also an alternative worth exploring.

8. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN – One poor loser is driven to risk his own life and the lives of his loved ones for a wad of cash, and another guy wanders around killing people with a compressed air canister. I can’t think of two people more in need of a nice, soothing Wayne Dyer fund drive special on PBS.

9. SPIDER MAN 3 – Spidey wrestles with his darker, more negative side this time around. It is a revealing look at the forces of the id operating in each of us, and the battles between our hero’s shadow self and his altruistic self symbolize the underlying tension between work and life, indeed the very struggle inherent in cinema itself: a two-dimensional medium trying to get at the universal truths we all experience in the reality of three dimensions. Does this make any sense? I doubt it, but I couldn’t have my film critic fantasy without saying something pretentious, now could I?

10. I’M NOT THERE – This is a rambling and bizarre art film ostensibly about the enigmatic nature of Bob Dylan and his music. The only reason it’s on the list is because of the title. It’s just something I so often wish I could say when people call.

I’m sure there are other examples, good and bad, of work/life issues to be found at the box office, so if any of them strike you, go for it, Rocky. (Or Adrienne!)

Posted by Tom Stern at 7:31 AM | Add Comment

December 26, 2007

Work/Life: 'Twas the Day After Christmas: A Panic Poem

Because of the holiday on Tuesday, the CEO Dad Tuesday Tirade is on a Wednesday this year. Deal with it. And while you do, please enjoy this Boxing Day poem!

‘Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house
Everybody relaxing, not a gripe or a grouse
No school for the kids, so they didn’t care
The wife’s office closed for the week…oh, despair!

See, I’d stacked up my Palm Pilot, just like I said
While visions of strategies danced in my head
But all of my contacts were off or away
And I had no transactions to fill up the day

With fear of some down time consuming my mind
I paced back and forth, I was in such a bind!
I did online trading, checked an e-mail or two
That took all of five minutes, now what do I do?

Well, there’s ESPN for a couple of hours
But my wife doesn’t like it, she sits there and glowers
I could take a walk, buy a coffee, but curse!
No, all that caffeine will just make matters worse!

Please somebody call me with a task to fulfill
Or I’ll have a conniption, I swear that I will!
I’m the type who moves constantly, just like a shark
If I don’t then my bite is much worse than my bark!

But wait, something happened, there’s something to see
My daughters have put on a play just for me
One is the hero, the other, the villain
Hey, this is fun, and get this, I’m chillin’!

“Maybe we should all go out for a meal”
Said my wife as I once again feared I’d congeal
“Okay, that sounds good,” I found myself saying
Though why, I don’t know, ‘cause I would be paying

Just the same, “let it go,” a voice said inside
This is family, your loved ones, kick back, let it ride
Here you were looking for something to do
And the answer was sitting there staring at you

Yes, it’s true I get caught up in workaday crud
Which I have to admit makes me rather a dud
There’s plenty of joy to be had in a life
There’s more to it, people, than hard work and strife

So now I’m resolved, I will take some time off
Though you may say it’s crazy, you may even scoff
So happy Boxing Day to all, and to all a good night…

But tomorrow let’s go back to work, all right?

Posted by Tom Stern at 8:23 AM | 1 Comment

December 21, 2007

Work/Life: The Most Memorable Quotes of 2007

The end of the year always provides a dizzying array of lists, from a rundown of deeply significant events in the news (Britney, anyone?), to a top 10 of truly meaningful things that changed our world (striking writers, anyone?), to movie critics naming their year’s best (“Norbit,” anyone?). It should come as no surprise, then, that there is somebody in charge of choosing the Top Ten Most Memorable Quotes of 2007. That person is Fred R. Shapiro, editor of the Yale Book of Quotations. And the winner this year is “don’t tase me, bro,” the pleading outburst given by a University of Florida student as he was being muscled out of a speech given by Senator John Kerry. Other not-to-be-forgotten turns of phrase that made the cut included the gut-wrenching monologue from that Miss Teen USA contestant trying to explain why so many US citizens cannot find America on a map. Of course, Don Imus’ tasteless remark was up there, too.

These are the quotes that make national news, as they are uttered either by famous people, or people who ended up in the public eye at the wrong time. But I would postulate that those of us who are sensitive to work/life issues have heard their share of catchy quotes this year, too. I know I have. And since I can’t get CNN to cover the story, I’m putting them out there in a blog. Hey, the way TV viewership is going these days, I probably wouldn’t want CNN numbers, anyway.

THE TOP FIVE MOST MEMORABLE QUOTES OF 2007 as compiled by Tom Stern

1. “You’re the one that needs to do your homework—like, actually being HOME.” - retort by my eleven year-old daughter after being scolded for not doing her homework.

2. “I don’t mind running solo on this project, I just don’t want to have to do it alone.” – Overheard during a meeting-in-progress while passing by a client’s open conference room door.

3. “Oh, he said he wants to just be quiet for a while and figure out what he’s going through emotionally. Honestly, that is the LAST thing I would need.” - Let’s just attribute this to “anonymous” so that I won’t lose any business by pointing out the unintentionally ironic outbursts of people I deal with on a daily basis.

4. “What do you mean ‘which anniversary?’ How many other anniversaries did we have?” – My beloved wife, expressing dismay at my response to her consulting me on plans for our wedding anniversary. Though I have no defense for my brain-addled reply, I did counter very cleverly by listing several other possible anniversaries, such as the anniversary of our opening a joint retirement account, the anniversary of that time we took the dog to the vet, and the anniversary of the one day we both agreed that her parents can sometimes be a pain.

5. “How am I supposed to write a blog about work/life balance if you people won’t go away?” -- Myself, spoken in jest to my family. Unfortunately, the joke was not appreciated, and the only reason I didn’t spend the night on the couch is that we wanted to try out our new Sleep Number bed.

So, any personally memorable quotes from your year come to mind?

Posted by Tom Stern at 7:16 AM | 2 Comments

December 18, 2007

Work/Life: Performance-Enhancing Drugs...It Ain't Just Baseball, Baby!

CEO Dad’s Tuesday Tirade….

The Mitchell Report has everybody rushing to deflect blame and responsibility regarding the illegal use of performance-enhancing drugs in professional baseball. Everybody wants to point a finger, but it’s time to get a little more global on this one, folks. Nearly everything we see or read these days has devolved from a pleasant distraction into some form or other of a spectacle. It’s all been getting pretty forced over the years, and now it’s at a tipping point. How can we tell what is really a gargantuan thing when another mediocre, two-part, made-for-TV miniseries about lust and murder in a small town starring Jaclyn Smith and Bruce Boxleitner is billed as “an NBC movie EVENT! Clearly, our standards for what qualifies as an “event” have lowered. And so, everything from department stores to theme parks to, of course, professional sports, have had to inject the very IDEA of what they are with metaphorical steroids just to get people pumped up about spending their money on a dress, an uneventful ride loosely based on a hit movie, or a couple of bleacher seats. Baseball was long ago dubbed “the great American pastime.” Pastime. Ahhh. Now, doesn’t that connote something a little more laid back? A pleasant way to “pass” the “time.” Well, forget it. Like everything else in our culture, it is performance-driven. Is it any wonder there might develop a compulsion to enhance that performance, so that everybody gets their jacked-up, “event”-style money’s worth? Hey, if the ball goes sailing over the left field wall, who cares if it was a scientifically-created human Transformer that sent it there?

And we’re not immune in the workplace, or at home. What is coffee if not a performance-enhancing drug? All right, so a baseball player can’t request he be injected with a steroid that’s double-decaf latte-flavored, but for us go-getters, three cups a day allows for an artificial sense of increased potency, so that we can allot extra time to tasks that keep us working, sacrificing time with our loved ones, because everything depends on last quarter’s numbers, and if the company is going to have an “event”-ful spring, you better darn well not slow down for a second. Of course, all this stress makes you too exhausted to relax enough to experience true physical intimacy, but don’t worry, there’s another performance-enhancer waiting in the wings for you: Viagra! (Just don’t forget that you’ll have to slot a full four hours into your Daytimer if you go that route…and you may not have that kind of time to spare.) E-mail, Blackberry, fax, a faster car…all things designed to increase our performance, make us better “players” in the game of life. And we take a hit of them every day.

Am I disillusioned by the findings of the Mitchell Report? Of course I am. But until I put down the cup of java I paid 4 bucks for just so I could make it through to lunch, or until I stop spearheading a movement to find a low-cost way to surgically implant my Bluetooth into my ear, who am I to talk?

If I’ve left out any of your favorite performance-enhancers, feel free to let me know.

Posted by Tom Stern at 8:15 AM | Add Comment

December 14, 2007

Work/Life: The Lost Work/Life Predictions of Nostradamus

On this date in the year 1503 (for you younger readers, waaaaay before computer games), the great philosopher and predictor Nostradamus (real name Michel de Nostre-Dam) was born. Revered by soothsayers and writers for the Weekly World News alike, this fellow seemed to have an uncanny knack for saying things hundreds of years ago that could handily be interpreted as applicable to this very day and age. And now, on the anniversary of his birth, researchers (please, don’t ask me for details) have uncovered several pages of parchment which reveal his prescient nature when it came to work/life balance, too. Here are few choice entries in ole Nostre-Dam’s Day Planner:

--In approximately five thousand moons, there will be visited upon the earth a great plague known as “Power Point.” Mankind could well waste many, many hours compiling information for the morning of a Monday, only to basically stand there in front of their so-called “presentation” simply reading aloud the words they spent all weekend picking the right font for. Yay, verily the graphics will not help much, either.

--For in the far future, how far I cannot predict with accuracy, mankind will be so incapable of spontaneity with their offspring that they will be forced to schedule something called “play dates.”

--Beware, for a square box capable of providing visual stimuli waits in the future to create a time suck such as the world has never known. It will begin simply enough, with blurry black and white images of cross-dressing comedians, but will soon escalate into a product capable of being recorded for posterity and even disseminated on other, smaller boxes that will be at our workstations and on tiny devices we will hold in our hands. They laugh at me when I say that several million citizens will be drawn to a moving picture of a piano-playing cat, but I see it, friends, as clearly as I see the rise and fall of trans-fatty acids.

--But for all the chaos created by the myriad frightening things that will come, many wise people will provide in-house child-care within the very confines of the workplace itself. And these people shall be declared forward-thinking and good.

As you can see, that Nostradamus was way ahead of his time. If any of you have stumbled upon other soothsayers out there who made some dead-on predictions about our fun-filled 21st Century, feel free to let me know.

Posted by Tom Stern at 8:18 AM | 1 Comment

December 11, 2007

Work/Life: If They Keep This Up, We'll Never Get Better!

CEO Dad’s Tuesday Tirade….

Several of my contributions to the blogosphere have featured my own humorous takes on seemingly outrageous products and services designed to point up just how difficult it is to keep balanced on the work/life see-saw. Well, this time, as they say “you can’t make this stuff up, folks!” The following are actual products available now, and further proof that somewhere there is a top-secret branch of corporate culture, wherein a James Bond-style, evil genius villain is holed up in a hidden headquarters cut out of a cliff side in Katmandu, using mind-controlled minions to churn out products designed to make the distraction-addicted workaholics in this world succumb, finally and irrevocably. They are, literally, “toying” with us, and just when you think you’ve won, they show you how far you have to go. As with these choice products:

THE WI-FI DETECTOR T-SHIRT – It is what it sounds like, people. This battery-operated piece of clothing from Thinkgeek.com checks for wi-fi signals in your environs and lights up a little icon on the shirt to reveal signal strength.

I don’t know about you, but I can see slipping this baby on during a family vacation, and taking baby steps down the beach in Maui, staring down my chin at the shirt to see where’s the best place to stop and whip out the laptop. Meanwhile, my long-suffering family keeps colliding with each other as they walk in line behind me trying to anticipate when I will next stop to check my e-mail. Perhaps there is a t-shirt that lights up when one is exhibiting signs of poor parenting skills?

THE SLINGBOX TV SIGNAL CONVERTER – This little baby allows you to route into your laptop any signal from your cable, satellite or Tivo-like provider, thus enabling you to watch the NBA playoffs even if you happen to be in a foreign country where they couldn’t care less, or catch up on the latest episode of your favorite hour-long drama (once the Writers’ Strike is over, of course) from your room in Hungary where the hotel TV is just getting around to airing “Falcon Crest.” Here again, a wonderful invention which pulls one away from truly enjoying some time away from the hectic pace of U.S. life, and encourages one to engage in anti-social behavior at the same time. I don’t know about you, but if I want to strike up a conversation in the hotel bar with someone, it ain’t gonna be the guy hunched into one corner of the booth trying to get a good signal on last week’s season finale of “Ugly Betty” (Writer’s Strike settlement pending, of course).

THE INNOBITZ JOOZOO (KOREA ONLY…SO FAR) – There’s no other way to put it: this is an 18-karat gold portable MP3 player with a gold-encrusted chain meant to be draped over the neck of (take a deep breath) your DOG.

It doesn’t have a headphone jack, so whatever playlist your pooch likes best is the one everyone else in the park is going to have to hear when you take him out for a walk. As such, you might want to avoid downloading “Who Let the Dogs Out?” unless you want to call attention to yourself and get nasty glares from the young couple trying to make out on the park bench while Rover does his business. Basically, when they run out of ways to make you a complete slave to technology, they find ways to get at you through your beloved pet. Why do they have to hurt?

Over and out for now. I’m getting an urgent message being translated through the complex phonic-reader I had installed inside my cockatiel. Honestly, it’s the only way to text these days. When it comes to the latest ways to hear your electronic message, you haven’t lived until you’ve gotten the bird.

Posted by Tom Stern at 8:31 AM | Add Comment

December 7, 2007

Work/Life: My Child is Student of the Month at McDonald's!

Any parent reading this knows how hard it is to resist bargaining with your children, i.e. “do your chores right now or no TV time tonight.” Why, we ask ourselves, must there always be an incentive program associated with a task? It creates enough stress and competition in the adult workforce, and here it is getting indoctrinated into little people at such a tender age. Plus, for the insecure and imbalanced among us (who, me?), it’s hard not to go into that neurotic place wherein you’re sure that they know that you know that what you’re really saying is “do your chores right now or I will withhold affection from you and you will have much fodder for therapy after you finish college.”

So imagine my chagrin when I came upon this story from Seminole County, Florida, where the local McDonald’s is rewarding students who get good grades by giving them a Happy Meal.

Suddenly, any incentive we can come up with, like, say, an extra play date or more TV time is undermined by unhealthy food with a toy prize jammed in next to it. Come on, corporate America, we parents have enough trouble trying to get our kids to see the value and satisfaction in doing a job well without any bonus goodies attached to the outcome. Now you’re setting unrealistic expectations we can’t fulfill with our feeble Dad or Mom powers, and our children will be utterly unprepared for a world where every accomplishment is not reinforced with special sauce. This could leave them so ill-equipped to succeed in the workplace that the only question they’ll be asking as an adult is the one you’re asking them now: “you want fries with that?”

One of the more intriguing tidbits in the New York Times story about this controversy concerns a woman who did not take kindly to it. Susan Linn spoke out on behalf of her advocacy group in Boston called (are you ready?), “The Campaign For a Commercial-Free Childhood.”

A commercial-free childhood?! That is right up there with world peace as a very tough goal to bring to fruition. Not only that, the implications for work/life balance are extraordinary. After all, growing up without being susceptible to advertising could well mean growing up without unattainable role models, without cravings for things you don’t really need, without, in fact, any great and consuming wants at all. Imagine a child saying, “Mommy, can I have that?” only they’re pointing to your heart instead of the television.

Well, a commercial-free childhood is something to strive for anyway. I wouldn’t mind a commercial-free adulthood. Just yesterday as I drove to a meeting I heard an ad on the radio from someone who kept insisting that I could make a fortune in the real estate market. And just for a second, I almost believed him. If he’d thrown in a hamburger and a shake, I probably would have been on board.

Posted by Tom Stern at 7:40 AM | 1 Comment

December 4, 2007

Work/Life: Work/Life Imbalance to the Rescue

CEO Dad’s Tuesday Tirade….

Each working day is another reminder of how our fast-paced life and the technology that makes it even faster might well be taking years off of our lives. Every so-called advancement, every gadget or device gets invented to maximize our efficiency. Only it ends up maximizing our stress and workload. I think we’re all in agreement that technology is evil, and couldn’t possibly do anybody any good.

Unless you’re a woman giving birth to a baby that is. From Russia comes the story of a woman whose child’s delivery was performed by the light of a phalanx of cell phones. When a power outage darkened the delivery room, nurses grabbed all the mobile phones they could (from a hospital full of overworked multi-taskers, no doubt) and shined their LED displays onto the blessed event.

I say this could be just the beginning of ways that our sickening dependence on machines and gizmos could serve a higher purpose. Like:

LAPTOP FOR HUMANITY LOW-COST HOUSING: Let’s face it, you upgrade to a new laptop every four and half days, and so do millions like you. Don’t throw away these eminently stackable and sturdy bulwarks; pile them high, deep and wide to create a small clubhouse-like home for those not fortunate enough to have a domicile of their own. These sleek, individual metal cabins can stand up to the elements. And they may not have indoor plumbing, but for the first time the underprivileged will have Wi-fi!

PHOTOCOPIER ALIEN SIGNALING DEVICE: Always wanted to communicate with begins from beyond our galaxy but couldn’t find a cost-efficient way to beam signals into space from your home or office? Simply get your photocopy machine out into the middle of a field (dollies are cheaper to rent than you think), set it to reproduce 200 pages, open the lid and presto: blast after blast of blinding white light sent forth to the heavens! You’re doing your part to reach out to other intelligent life forms, and you don’t even have to replace the toner!

PLAYSTATION THEFT PREVENTION: Why spend money on an expensive alarm system for your home? Simply invite all your child’s friends over for a sleepover and equip each one with their own version of “Grand Theft Auto VIII.” The sounds of a dozen computer-generated criminals pummeling the stuffing out of one another will make any would-be intruder think they have stumbled upon a Mafia safe house into which they wouldn’t dare set foot. Bada bing, what a money saver!

I’m sure you can all come up with more high-minded uses for some of your other pieces of modern technology. Feel free to send them along, Crackberry fans!

Posted by Tom Stern at 8:33 AM | Add Comment

November 30, 2007

Work/Life: We All Need A Little Music To Get Us Through

Today is the birth anniversary of Allan Sherman, the guy who introduced my generation to the song parody. For those of you a little younger, he was the Weird Al Yankovic of your parents’ generation. For those of you too young to remember Weird Al Yankovic…you are a frightening reminder of the passage of time and I hate you.

Those of us who do recall Mr. Sherman still think of “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah” every time we hear Ponchielli’s “Dance of the Hours” during the local classical music station’s fund drives. (And there’s a whole generation behind me who associates that same music with “Fantasia,” so they probably think I sound like a young whippersnapper now.) In any case, I felt it only proper to honor Allan Sherman on his birthday, and compose a few work/life parodies for your perusal. Get out your tuning fork and your kazoo if you are so inspired.

I WILL UNWIND (to the tune of “I Will Survive”)

First I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I would be confused without my nine to five
But then my wife explained to me that if we don’t take a break
Then the next time she would see me it would be at my own wake
So now I’m gone, I’m out the door
I took a week off, and I’m not working anymore
Yes, I’m the one who can’t sit still for minute one
But gosh darn it I will do it, I will lie down in the sun
And close my mind
I will unwind
Oh, as long as I know how to rest I might even recline
I’ve got all this week ahead
If it kills me I’ll stay in bed
I will unwind!
I will unwind! Hey, hey….

IMAGINE (to the tune of, uh, "Imagine")

Imagine there’s no deadlines
It’s easy if you try
No boss above us
To yell and make us cry
Imagine all the people
Driving fifty-five…I, I, I….

Imagine multi-tasking
Is no longer required
No e-mails in your in-box
You go home when you’re tired
Imagine no one caring
About that Power Point….you, hoo-hoo
You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m working on a hunch
I think some day you’ll join us
And the world will be at lunch

And finally, as a tribute to Allan Sherman, here’s Ponchielli (or “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah”)

Hello daughter, lovely daughter
Do you still like Harry Potter?
Or is Sponge Bob to your liking?
Maybe Dora the Explorer and her hiking.

See the point is, I’ve forgotten
As a parent, I am rotten
Presentations, dinner meetings
I am never home and I deserve some beatings

But I promise, if you’ll let me
I’ll make sure you don’t forget me
Cause I love you and I won’t spoil it
I have flushed my phone and Bluetooth down the toilet!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, don’t forget to tip the waitresses, and feel free to submit a song of your own!

Posted by Tom Stern at 8:04 AM | 2 Comments

November 27, 2007

Work/Life: Say Buy-Buy To Holiday Gift-Buying Woes

CEO Dad’s Tuesday Tirade….

Hey. Thanksgiving’s over. And you still haven’t gone out and done your civic duty by shopping for holiday gifts? You people make me sick. So what if nobody you know actually needs another gift certificate, pair of gloves or hot lather machine (remember those?), how the heck are they going to know you love them if you don’t for gosh sakes buy them something already?

And with that in mind, here’s a little holiday merchandise guide designed to streamline your present purchasing power (and your skill with alliteration, for that matter).

TOM STERN’S ONE OF A KIND HOLIDAY WORK/LIFE BALANCE GIFTS.
(FOR THE PERSON WHO DOES EVERYTHING.)

THE ELECTRONIC REMINDER REMINDER REMINDER - An exclusive add-on to your Blackberry or Palm Pilot, this helpful feature automatically programs your own reminder beep to beep two additional times: once six hours before the thing you needed reminding about, to remind you that in six hours you have to remember to do it; then one more time two hours before the reminder beep you set to remind you that you will shortly have to remember that you needed to remind yourself about something. Sounds confusing, yet is. But stressed out workaholics quickly find it becomes indispensable.

THE AUTOMOBILE HIGH CHAIR – Tired of trying to efficiently use your steering wheel AND eat a messy sandwich or hamburger while driving? Your worries are over, with this combination booster seat/handy food tray that keeps that burrito right by your mouth for the entire trip, just like the high chair you had as a baby. All you have to do is lean forward and chew. Bib optional, but this product is also a great release for your inner child. And if anyone needs an excuse to remind the world that they still act like they are two years old, it’s us.

TONY ROBBINS’ “I’M DEPRESSED” DVD – Essential viewing for everybody who secretly knows how tough it is to keep up the façade of a driven, over-achieving maniac, this revealing look at an “off morning” for inspirational speaker Robbins finds him unable to get out of bed, certain that nothing he has to say could possibly be reaching anybody and why does he even bother. If one of the richest men in America, who also happens to have some of the most impressive teeth in the country, can experience a setback in “doing it all,” then so can you. Comes with an ergonomic pillow.

STERN’S STRESS INDUCING BALLS – Use that stress you get from a botched meeting or a frustrating phone call! Help it to propel you into even more aggressive and profit-inducing behavior to take your business to the next level! Why clutter your desk with a million pliable stress relieving balls when these stress inducing balls can bring you back to the state you know and love so well? Scientifically formulated to remain rock solid no matter how hard you squeeze them, our patented stress inducing balls strengthen your anger and resolve, storing up resentments when you need them most, so you can get back on that phone and tell whoever it is where to get off! Not recommended for home use. Not responsible for acid reflux disease.

Well, if you can’t choose a gift for that special someone from the above list this year, then chances are you know a bunch of well-adjusted people. And that is, in and of itself, a gift. Happy Holiday time!

Posted by Tom Stern at 7:23 AM | Add Comment

November 23, 2007

Work/Life: Please Don't Squeeze The Priorities

Things slowed down a little over Thanksgiving, which of course only makes me aware of how difficult it can be when the phone isn’t ringing, and no life-or-death business situations of my own devising are occupying my time. Well, if all of my sensible clients are going to put a moratorium on calls, e-mails and texting for four days, I am darn sure going to….have to find other ways to make sure I give my brain the illusion that it’s working.

Hence, my post-Thanksgiving meal (post-unbuttoning my top button and laying back in my Dad’s reclining chair to watch football, post-marveling at how there’s nothing like Thanksgiving to make you realize what a bunch of wackos your family are) round of Internet surfing. During which I discovered this get-a-life gem:

It seems that two advertising men in their 70’s are still arguing about who wrote the tag line “Please Don’t Squeeze The Charmin.” Even more ironically, it was the death of Dick Wilson, the actor who played Mr. Whipple in the commercials, that returned the issue to the front burner. You can almost picture the scene from the black comedy movie, wherein the two septuagenarians stand over the casket of the late actor, begin to argue about who was responsible for the Charmin catch phrase. A shoving match ensues, and it all culminates in the coffin being tipped over onto them while a roomful of aghast mourners try not to look.

What is it about we humans that can make us spend a lifetime hanging on to a credit-where-credit-is-due issue? In this case, there is no paper trail to prove which of the two men came up with the famous line. Of course it is wrong for someone else to get the glory for something we have done, but there comes a time when one has to suck it up, appear on Oprah, weep in front of millions and let it go. Obsessing over something you think is rightfully yours takes a lot of energy, just ask anyone who ended up losing that dog they loved when their relationship ended.

But if that injustice becomes something you carry with you to your grave, your whole life becomes a rush to get there, just so you can have a little peace of mind. And as we all know, your mind is rarely as peaceful as it is when you are dead. Meanwhile, you run the risk of discounting all the other things that have made your life a pretty interesting journey. Loved ones. Travel. Old friends. Family Thanksgivings. (They may be an infuriating bundle of neuroses and hot-button issues, but they’re YOUR infuriating bundle of neuroses and hot-button issues.)

People got a little joy out of the fictional idea that it was nearly impossible to resist squeezing a package of toilet paper. In fact, during the height of the campaign, thousands of people probably gave into the temptation in full view of everyone at the supermarket. It must have been an interesting time to be a manager at the Piggly Wiggly, that’s for sure. So at that point, pop culture has laid its claim to the idea, whomever it was that wrote it. And since each man claims to have, let each one be content with knowing they gave folks a dose of enjoyment for a while.

Hey, look, about twenty years ago I came up with an incredible office management idea that nearly doubled efficiency levels in my workplace of the time. In the rush to implement the plan, my contribution to its founding was somehow overlooked, but the benefits to the office were what was most important. Am I still bitter about it? Something that happened at exactly 3:16 pm on an overcast but mild September 30th in 1989 when the boss was wearing a blue shirt and red-striped tie when he announced the new plan at the morning meeting? Of course not. I can barely remember it.

Posted by Tom Stern at 6:28 AM | 1 Comment

November 20, 2007

Work/Life: A Few Words of Thanksgiving, Not My Own

CEO Dad’s Tuesday Tirade…

The Tuesday Tirade has become synonymous with some form of sarcastic rant about the state of things among those of us who are overworked and (on their worst days) loving it.
But this is Thanksgiving week, and I’ll tell you what I’m grateful for: those moments in life when you get some perspective, and calm down, and realize you’re just a human being trying to outrun the bombardment of dubious messages you’ve gotten your whole life. If you’re like me, you usually have to rely on outside sources for them, since at the end of a long day about the only wisdom I’m capable of is something like “wow, Tivo is good.”

So, to reiterate, I’m thankful at this time of year for the words I often need to hear whether I know it or not. Here is a representative sampling:

“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Edgar Bergen

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” – (same as above)

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.” – Bertrand Russell

“Business conventions are useful because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.” - Anonymous

“So I was driving my car, and my boss called and said 'You've been promoted.' So I swerved. And then he rang a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He phoned a third time and said 'You're managing director,' and I went into a tree. When the policeman asked 'What happened to you?' I said 'I careered off the road.’ ” – Tim Vine

“Working gets in the way of living.” – Omar Sharif

“My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.” -- Abraham Lincoln

“By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.” -- Robert Frost

“Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.” - Buddha

Just a few of the perspective-inducing thoughts I’ll take with me to the table this Turkey Day. If you have a favorite quote that imparts some basic wisdom, I’m sure there are plenty of people who would just gobble it up at this time of year.

Posted by Tom Stern at 7:21 AM | Add Comment

November 16, 2007

Work/Life: The One Reality Show We Really Need

Just when I think I’ve let go of my compulsive need to win and am finally ready for the work/life balance I always talk about, I see that the media doesn’t care about that balance at all. Everything is still set up as a competition. The losers on Dancing With the Stars make the week’s headlines. Matt Damon is declared the Sexiest Man Alive (ladies, take heart: us guys are—sometimes--given unrealistic expectations by the media, too); Hollywood writers are going to the mat with producers in a winner-take-some battle that’s leaving plenty of lower echelon folks in the dust. Is it any wonder we’re all a little bit schizophrenic? Somewhere between our childhood and the start of our college years, we go from “it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game” to “kill or be killed,” and our American Idolized culture is in lock step with that transition.

Well, listen up, Hollywood: while you’re deciding how you want to treat your writers, you’ll probably be cranking out a bunch of new reality shows. Here’s my submission (and don’t try to steal it, or the blog police will be all over you).

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN RELAX?
Treatment for a Reality Program by Tom Stern

First round elimination occurs as one hundred contestants stand on stage holding Bluetooth-enabled Blackberries. In unison, one hundred urgent-coded rings go off in each of the contestant’s hands. Anyone taking less than thirty seconds to compulsively answer the call is eliminated. The remaining three contestants move onto the semi-finals.

Semi-final rounds include relaxation tolerance competitions, including attempts to sit quietly through an elementary school Christmas pageant without getting up to call the office, a driving-to-work simulator in which contestants get behind the wheel and are given electric shocks for every attempt at multi-tasking (eating, phoning, Books-On-Tape) and finally “Tivo Challenge,” in which a home environment is duplicated (TV room and bedroom side by side), and an actor-portrayal of a spouse gets into evening wear and goes to bed, waiting for the contestant to stop surfing Tivo and actually join them. Even the most work/life balance committed will be brought down by this conundrum.

Finalists will compete in the talent portion, which consists mainly of trying to shut the hell up for three minutes while the karaoke music of their choice plays in the background. The winner will get a five-year contract as the CEO of a company that desperately needs someone who finally has their priorities in order. (Get in line, companies.)

Copyright Tom Stern, All Rights Reserved.

Feel free to suggest other reality show ideas, but remember I can’t promise anyone a cut of the back end. I’m just not that balanced yet.

Posted by Tom Stern at 8:13 AM | Add Comment

November 13, 2007

Work/Life: Top Ten Work/Life Balance Turn-Offs

Work/life balance issues can turn up anywhere. Like in a recent Yahoo! Personals article that listed the top ten turn-offs about men for women who end up dating them. Yes, two of the complaints involved being constantly distracted by cell phone calls, and spending the entire evening talking about business issues. Other pet peeves included men who are messy, rude or brag about themselves to excess. Well, I say the world of relationships and dating are not the only places where first impressions count, and we all have a right to know if someone in our workplace is going to be a work/life disaster. Here then, gender-free, are the Top Ten Work/Life Balance Turn Offs:

1. THE THROWER – I think we can all agree that anyone with the tendency to hurl objects across the room when they are frustrated is a lose-lose situation.
2. THE EXCUSIFIER- “That’s okay, go ahead home, I’m going to stay and alphabetize the expenditure files from 1987.” Beware.
3. THE EAT-THROUGH-THE-MEETING MANIAC- “I think if we (GULP) increase productivity (CHOMP) through motivational programs (BITE) we can get (RATHER LIQUID CHEWING) ahead of the (LOUDER GULP) competition.”
4. THE TOO BUSY TO SHOWERER- Only bearable if they have an office door of their own they can close.
5. THE PACER- If you have to watch this nervous person cross in front of your field of vision one more time today, you’re going to set up a trip wire just for fun.
6. THE STOCK CHECKER – Your seventeen shares of tech stocks are not going to do any better even if you check the market on your cell phone every eleven seconds.
7. THE FAKE LAUGHER – Do they even know how much unexamined inner pain that gut-wrenching guffaw is concealing?
8. THE DOZER – You would think waking up with a snort and finding your chin on your chest six times a day would be a clue that perhaps you’re burning the candle at three ends.
9. THE OVERCOMPENSATING CAR PURCHASER – Hey, show off, your life is never as good as your leather interior seems to want us to think it is.
10. THE RATIONALIZER – We do not want to hear about the logic which led you to neglect your loved ones in order to come up with such a brilliant idea that’s really going to turn the company around. Sure, we’ll have a stronger third quarter, but we’ll spend it picturing your family staging an intervention.

It’s been a while since I’ve been on the dating scene, so I can’t vouch for what the turn-offs are in that world, but I think I’ve found a representative sampling in the co-worker category. Feel free to submit your own!

Posted by Tom Stern at 7:18 AM | Add Comment

November 9, 2007

Work/Life: Hey Kids, Just Say No to Hugs

Stories about public schools banning hugs have been in the news recently, and now comes the tale of the teenager who was given detention for being caught hugging two of her classmates.

School officials say the ban was put in place to stop the increasingly problematic and time-wasting hallway log jams that occur as kids pause to embrace before entering a classroom, as well as, of course, the unnecessarily long periods of touching between teenage boys and girls that hugs afford. It seems to me we are moving right from “slippery slope” to “out of control toboggan.” I can think of worse ways to create a little delay in the start of class time than kids hugging each other (like, say, something involving guns or knives), and banning embracing because you think it might lead to the harder stuff has about as much logic as letting Don Imus get near a sporting event.

We talk a lot about work/life balance, but really it probably should start with school/life balance before we even enter the workforce. Now, of course, in my day we had to walk sixteen miles to school in our bare feet during a blizzard (do the kids today have it easy, or what?), and to tell you the truth, if I had hugged any of my friends back then I probably would have gotten a look something like you’d give to the stubble-faced guy who barks uncontrollably while waiting on line at the post office. Now thirty or more years have passed, Oprah’s getting everyone to cry on national television, football players hug, heck, even members of my family have tentatively embraced me before realizing they were showing affection and abruptly erecting that familiar and perversely comforting wall of impenetrability. The point is, I like to think we’ve evolved a little emotionally as a nation since I was a kid, and that if junior high schoolers are using hugs to communicate, so be it. Maybe they’ll grow up to be more well adjusted, loving adults, who will understand that a hug is more important than a Power Point presentation.

Certainly, today’s modern workplace must be, by its nature, fairly unaffectionate, what with public displays of said affection so easily misinterpreted. But if things keep going this way, the handshake may soon disappear. And where would be if we couldn’t shake on it? Without the handshake deal, there would be no unspoken trust left at all. Quick, let’s switch the handshake deal to a hug deal. It would make us less uptight, and give us a reason to close a meeting that didn’t involve trying to out-crush your competitor’s metacarpals. If you’re worried about it being too forward, go ahead and hug the way guys do: feet at least ten inches apart, stomachs thrown back, hands immediately slapped onto the shoulder blades and hastily removed so nobody could ever confuse what we’re doing with an actual hug. You know, it just doesn’t get any more honest than that.

Posted by Tom Stern at 12:33 PM | 4 Comments

November 6, 2007

Work/Life: Who Says There Aren't Enough Hours in the Day?

CEO Dad’s Tuesday Tirade….

Anyone struggling with work addiction knows that trolling the Internet is a great way to use up more of your time, however in the field of blogging it can yield interesting results. Case in point: I just learned that on this date in 1923, the USSR adopted an experimental five-day week. Not a five-day work week, a five-day week. Everything got shifted around to make the 168 hours that used to constitute seven days suddenly comprise only five. That means a thirty-three hour day. However, as you try to wrap your head around that, remember that the occurrences of sun up and sundown remained the same. So, if you started the week on Sunday as usual, Monday morning would kick in at 9 am the next day. Does this mean you wouldn’t have to show up for work until 5 o’clock at night?

Hey, it’s presidential election season, and although work/life issues have not exactly been the sexiest of campaign fodder, maybe some dark horse candidate (Kucinich could probably pull it off) should shake things up by suggesting we follow the example of our one-time Cold War enemies and try this five-day week thing. It has staggering implications that could very well force us all to get our priorities in order. After all, if we didn’t have to show up at work until 5pm on Monday, we would be forced to, that’s right; spend the entire day with our family. No more excuses! 6 am arrives, you leap out of bed and get the day going: “sorry, honey, gotta get to work by…oh, dang, I don’t have to be anywhere, do I?” Suddenly, those you love have you as a presence in their lives again. Okay, so t